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Posts tagged ‘Writing’

A Deep Poem

Writing a deep poem isn’t hard,
despite what your English teachers
want you to think.
The first step is to format
your poem using haphazard

syntax that gives the illusion
of ineffable profundity.
Next, add a couple words that
no longer belongeth in the English language.
Drop in a few parenthetical exclamations
and (lo!) you are off to a splendid start.

Mystifying similes and metaphors
are a must if you
wish to sound esoteric,
like a whimsical firefly floating
through a maze of pensive irony.

Throw in some references to nature,
evoking images of pastel sunsets and
giving unwarranted credit to the
sublime elegance of the speckled frog.
Some random capitalization will
give the reader pause
as she contemplates the abstract meaning of
a Babbling Brook.

Now add a few short lines
to drive home
a message
that always

If you do these things
your poem will be hailed as
A True Masterpiece
and it will not cross the reader’s mind
that this poem would have been better
if it had rhymed.


Schedule of an Author

(Originally published 3/2/10)

A typical day as I write my book…

7:30 a.m – Wake up

7:35 a.m –Lie in bed, realize I can sleep for five more hours, contemplate doing just that.

7:45 a.m – Remember that poorly written joke on the sixth page of chapter four, realize I won’t be able to fall back asleep until I fix it. Get up.

8:00 a.m – Brush teeth, look at mirror. Consider shaving. Nah.

8:15 a.m – Before getting dressed, check calendar to make sure it’s Casual Monday, Casual Tuesday, Casual Wednesday, Casual Thursday, or Casual Friday.

8:30 a.m – Eat breakfast, drink coffee to store up energy for a long day of sitting.

8: 45 a.m – Decide to work at home today

8: 55 a.m – Listen to mom ask me to take the dogs out for “tinkle-poop.”

8: 56 a.m – Decide to go to work at town library.

9:05 a.m – Arrive at library. Wave to librarian, divert her death-stare.

9:08 a.m – Choose a seat next to a friendly-looking old man.

10:15 a.m – Move seats after noticing friendly old man is looking at pictures of girls on Facebook.

10:20 a.m – Check the hit-counter on my blog. Curse audibly.

10:21 a.m – Refresh my blog 75 times.

10:30 a.m – Work on book.

11:30 a.m – Write funny joke. Be pleased with it.

11:31 a.m – Reread funny joke. Hate it. Delete it.

11:35 a.m – Change mind, put joke back in. Question sanity.

12: 20 p.m – Lunch break. Eat PB&J all by myself. Wonder if this is how it all started for creepy old man browsing Facebook.

1:00 p.m – Back to work! Going to be more productive this afternoon.

1:45 p.m – Goddam writer’s block

1:46 p.m – Check Facebook.

2:00 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:12 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:20 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:47 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

3:12 p.m – Be struck by inspiration. Get ready to write.

3:13 p.m – Forget inspiration.

3: 35 p.m – Try to write some more. Occasionally look up at other authors in the room and share expressions of mutual exasperation.

5:23 p.m – Go home.

5:45 p.m – Remember inspiration, open up laptop to write it down.

5:46 p.m – Battery dead. Screw it. I’ll probably remember it tomorrow morning.

5: 47 p.m – Turn on T.V.