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Dave Introduces Himself to his College Roomate


FROM: DWhitney@gmail.com
TO: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com

Hey Greg,

As you’ve probably seen in the letter from the freshmen’s dean office, it looks like we’ll be roommates this year. I’m excited to meet you on campus next week. In the meantime, I thought we might want to coordinate our communal furniture. Here’s some stuff we’ll probably want for the room:

-A futon
-A mini fridge
– A TV/ TV stand
– A DVD player

Am I forgetting anything?

-Dave


FROM: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com
TO: DWhitney@gmail.com

toilet paper.


FROM: DWhitney@gmail.com
TO: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com

Greg,
Good to hear from you. And yeah, we’ll obviously get toilet paper as we need it. I was thinking more along the lines of furniture. Any ideas?


FROM: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com
TO: DWhitney@gmail.com

Naw. Just plenty of toilet paper. I’m talking that real soft, triple quilted kind that feels like an angel is breathing her soft, angel breath on your ass, evaporating all that’s ever been bad in this world. So none of that cheap rough stuff. My girlfriend hates that shit (pun intended lol!)

Also, can I get the top bunk?

P.S
I don’t go by Greg. All my buddies from home call me Dump Truck.


FROM: DWhitney@gmail.com
TO: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com

Hey Dump Truck…

Duly noted on the toilet paper. And yeah, you can take the top bunk. I actually prefer the bottom anyway.


FROM: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com
TO: DWhitney@gmail.com

Awesome, man. When I was a kid at summer camp no one EVER let me take the top bunk, so I really appreciate it. I just hope the mattress is big enough to fit a 370 pounder! (500 lbs when you include my girlfriend!)

That reminds me. We should probably figure out a way to indicate when one of us needs some “privacy” with the ladies. I mean, you’re welcome to sleep in your bed when my GF visits, but you may want to hang somewhere else at that time. She’s into some weird stuff.

Oh yeah, I thought of something to add to the list of things to get for the room: a video camera.


FROM: DWhitney@gmail.com
TO: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com

Tell me a little bit more about your girlfriend. How often do you expect her to visit? I only ask because I have a girlfriend, too, so maybe we can work out a rotation on the visits.


FROM: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com
TO: DWhitney@gmail.com

Man, my girlfriend is awesome –you’ll love her. We met this summer standing in line for the port-a-potties at a concert for The Infernal Hell Monkeys. I let her cut me in line, and the rest was history.

She won’t be visiting that often. She has a commitment every other night, so she’ll be visiting Monday-Wednesday-Friday. (Probably a good thing…I don’t think I’d be able to keep up with her every day! Dump Truck would run out of gas).

Can’t wait for you to meet her…just don’t ever touch her. I can get violently jealous (just ask my parole officer). Also, her prescription skin cream hasn’t arrived yet. So seriously, don’t touch her.


FROM: DWhitney@gmail.com
TO: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com

She sounds like quite a girl. Actually, her schedule works out perfectly, since my girlfriend volunteers at Darren Hospital every other night and can only visit me Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday.

You’ll barely notice her when she’s here…she’s really quiet and reserved, so don’t be offended if she’s shy around you. I’ve been dating her for three years and she’s still not totally comfortable opening up to me, so I imagine she’ll be extra timid around you.


FROM: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com
TO: DWhitney@gmail.com

Whoa! Dude! MY girlfriend volunteers at Darren Hospital TOO! Ask your girl if she knows Kayla. She’s tall, blonde hair, super hot and loves peanut butter, snorkeling, and webcams. Also, she’s totally exhausted every Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday morning. LOL! And she’s a real talker –always complaining about her pansy ex boyfriend. Glad I’m not that kid.


FROM: DWhitney@gmail.com
TO: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com

Weird…my girlfriend’s name is Kayla, too. Kayla Mealey. I’ll ask Kayla is she knows Kayla.


FROM: Gregzilla6969@hotmail.com
TO: DWhitney@gmail.com

Dude, go to the pharmacy right now and get “Lotrimin Ultra Anti-Fungal Skin Cream.” Trust me.

After that, do me a favor and jump off a bridge.


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