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What Mrs. Davies Must Have Said In My 3rd Grade Parent-Teacher Conference

(Originally published 8/5/09)

Mr. and Mrs. Kester, thank you so much for coming. I must say, I’ve been eager to finally meet Eric’s parents. I can see by the lack of cuts and bruises on your faces that you’ve somehow developed a technique for harnessing Eric’s unusually rambunctious behavior. Did you have careers as lion tamers? What’s your secret? Tell me this: does it involve a cage of any kind? Just give me a hint.

Before we sit down, I’d like to give you a brief tour of Eric’s desk. As you can see, Eric has the organizational skills of a chimp tripping on acid. I challenge you to find even one item that is related to school work. No, those pencils don’t count. Eric considers them to be snacks. And I assure you those Victoria’s Secret catalogs are not part of our curriculum. You didn’t really give Eric those ninja throwing-stars for his birthday, did you? That’s what I thought. I’ll also assume, then, that Eric was lying when he said he uses that box labeled “fireworks” as a container for his allergy medication. Oh, I wouldn’t touch that if I were you, Mrs. Kester. Eric will use anything to blow his nose, except for, of course, tissues.

It’s surprising that Eric has been able to develop such a messy desk, considering he is almost never sitting there. See that chair over there, facing the corner? That’s where I have Eric sit most classes, where all pigtails are out of reach. I suspect the crude drawings on the wall over there are not actually the works of prehistoric caveman, as Eric suggests. The men and spears look authentic enough, but shouldn’t they be hunting a wild animal, and not a disproportionate teacher labeled “Mrs. BigButt”?

As for Eric’s academic performance, there really isn’t much to say. He almost never completes any of his assignments, unless I trick him into thinking that I don’t want him to do his work. His handwriting is poor, and often looks as if he attempted to write blindfolded with his left foot while having a seizure. His math skills are also below average, though I doubt he honestly believes the answer to every arithmetic question is “69”.

In art class, Eric draws violent pictures that, quite frankly, disturb many of his classmates. He has a vivid imagination, which is good, I just wish he would stop using it to think up exotic ways for Big Bird to die. Gym class has also been a problem area for Eric. He chooses to turn every game we play into dodgeball, which is dangerous when we are playing soccer. But that pales in comparison to the time we took the class on a bowling trip. I don’t need to go on about that, as I’m sure you’ve read all the details in the police report. Todd will finally be getting his stitches out tomorrow, by the way.

Overall, I’d say Eric has a long ways to go in just about everything. At this stage I’m just trying to get Eric to the point where he stops making his classmates and me dumberer by association.

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