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Steve Jobs, Immediately Following His iPad Keynote Address

(Originally published 1/28/10)

Steve Jobs: Whew! That was intense! I practically blacked out up there. How’d I do?

Assistant: Umm, it went well. A few minor inaccuracies, but overall it was fine.

Steve Jobs: Minor inaccuracies? What did I mess up?

Assistant: Well to start off you announced the wrong name. You called it the iPad.

Steve Jobs: What? Shit! The iPad is the name of an accessory for our next big project, the iGirlfriend. I can’t believe I screwed that up. I guess we’ll just have to stick with ‘iPad.’ Do you think the Internet will make jokes comparing it to a feminine hygiene project?

Assistant: Umm, well, probably not. The Internet doesn’t usually pick up on stuff like that. But the name is causing some problems for consumers with British accents –they keep referring to the “iPad” as an “iPod.”

Steve Jobs: I can live with that. Did I make any other mistakes in the keynote?

Assistant: You forgot to mention a few of the iPad’s minor features. Like its ability to run background apps, operate Flash video, and its built-in tamagotchi.

Steve Jobs: Damn, those seem like some pretty important features to leave out. Any other minor things I forgot?

Assistant: Well, I noticed that you skipped the part of the presentation where you were supposed demonstrate the iPad’s hover-board feature by flying over the audience while gleefully tossing limited edition iPod Nanos out of your pockets.

Steve Jobs: Man! What are you going to tell me next? That I forgot to exaggerate its battery life?

Assistant: Don’t worry, you definitely did that. You said the iPad has a 10-hour battery.

Steve Jobs: Ha! Good.

Assistant: Yeah, so it’s not all bad. You also forgot to leave out some of the iPad’s more negative aspects. For instance, you didn’t mention that the iPad’s standard operating temperature is 300 degrees. You also left out that technical issue where anyone who holds an iPad near a running microwave will piss their pants and lose some childhood memories.

Steve Jobs: Excellent. And what about the pricing, did I get those numbers right?

Assistant: You did leave out the zero at the end. No worries, though. People will still camp out to buy the iPad on its release day. Especially after they’re brainwashed by our marketing campaign, which will feature commercials of peppy young adults celebrating their individuality by randomly dancing in colorful T-shirts.

Steve Jobs: I love those commercials. Watching them makes me feel young again. They’re almost as effective as the rejuvenation chamber that I sleep in. Anyway, I have to get back to the office. Today we’re going to attach the iEyes to the iGirlfriend. She’s going to look great!

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