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She’s Just Not That Into You

(Originally published 6/23/09)

Sometimes it’s just impossible for a guy to tell if a girl is romantically interested in him. Women are always sending us mixed signals. She can be all over you, rubbing your leg and whispering in your ear. You think she’s into you, but then she raises her hourly rate.

You may think a girl is into you when she points at you, turns to her friend and whispers, “He’s the one.” You’d be wrong, though, if she’s pointing at you in a police line-up and her “friend” is a detective. Context is everything.

A girl winks at you, and you’re like, “Nice!” But then you think “What if she just got something in her eye?” And you’re sad. But what if it was Cupid’s arrow? Now you don’t know what to think.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s in it for the love or the money. You get excited when she agrees to come on a date, but then she goes ahead and orders the most expensive thing on the menu. To make matters worse, she doesn’t even have the courtesy of offering you a bite of that Double Whopper.

Fortunately, there are some situations that are easy to read. If you start buying her flowers and asking her out on dates, she may say to you, “Let’s just be friends.” This is a good sign. Most relationships start out as a friendship. You better keep buying her more flowers, though, or else she’ll think you are a quitter. You don’t want her to think you have commitment issues.

It’s not always that simple. One time I was courting a girl, but she stopped responding to my emails, making it impossible for me to gauge how she feels about me. I mean, I’m not a mind reader. She likely forgot the password to her email account, so I began to visit her house. The poor girl must’ve gotten sick and quarantined, though, because I received a letter from the state of Massachusetts ordering me to stay at least 500 feet away from her house. I wonder what she was sick with? Probably a broken heart.

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