Schedule of an Author

(Originally published 3/2/10)

A typical day as I write my book…

7:30 a.m – Wake up

7:35 a.m –Lie in bed, realize I can sleep for five more hours, contemplate doing just that.

7:45 a.m – Remember that poorly written joke on the sixth page of chapter four, realize I won’t be able to fall back asleep until I fix it. Get up.

8:00 a.m – Brush teeth, look at mirror. Consider shaving. Nah.

8:15 a.m – Before getting dressed, check calendar to make sure it’s Casual Monday, Casual Tuesday, Casual Wednesday, Casual Thursday, or Casual Friday.

8:30 a.m – Eat breakfast, drink coffee to store up energy for a long day of sitting.

8: 45 a.m – Decide to work at home today

8: 55 a.m – Listen to mom ask me to take the dogs out for “tinkle-poop.”

8: 56 a.m – Decide to go to work at town library.

9:05 a.m – Arrive at library. Wave to librarian, divert her death-stare.

9:08 a.m – Choose a seat next to a friendly-looking old man.

10:15 a.m – Move seats after noticing friendly old man is looking at pictures of girls on Facebook.

10:20 a.m – Check the hit-counter on my blog. Curse audibly.

10:21 a.m – Refresh my blog 75 times.

10:30 a.m – Work on book.

11:30 a.m – Write funny joke. Be pleased with it.

11:31 a.m – Reread funny joke. Hate it. Delete it.

11:35 a.m – Change mind, put joke back in. Question sanity.

12: 20 p.m – Lunch break. Eat PB&J all by myself. Wonder if this is how it all started for creepy old man browsing Facebook.

1:00 p.m – Back to work! Going to be more productive this afternoon.

1:45 p.m – Goddam writer’s block

1:46 p.m – Check Facebook.

2:00 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:12 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:20 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:47 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

3:12 p.m – Be struck by inspiration. Get ready to write.

3:13 p.m – Forget inspiration.

3: 35 p.m – Try to write some more. Occasionally look up at other authors in the room and share expressions of mutual exasperation.

5:23 p.m – Go home.

5:45 p.m – Remember inspiration, open up laptop to write it down.

5:46 p.m – Battery dead. Screw it. I’ll probably remember it tomorrow morning.

5: 47 p.m – Turn on T.V.