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Librarian Application

(Originally published 1/9/10)

Thank you for interest in the open librarian position at The Stonewell Free Public Library. To ensure you are qualified for the position, we ask that you submit this brief questionnaire in addition to your résumé.

Are you wearing glasses now? (Circle one)



-My backup glasses are in the glove compartment of my Subaru, my regular glasses are in my pocket, my reading glasses are around my neck, and my application-filling-out glasses are on my face.

On a scale of 1-10, how angry do you get when people sneeze and then don’t immediately wash their hands?


A “suspicious person” in the library is:

-Any man older than 30 who uses the library computers to visit
-Everyone younger than 30

The best way to deal with said “suspicious people” is to:

-Ignore them and hope they leave
-Politely ask them to take their business elsewhere
-Repeatedly reshelve books near them while shooting them disapproving glances


-Should be turned off in the library
-Are more dangerous than WMDs
-What’s a cell-phone?

The Amazon Kindle is:

-An exciting way to use technology to revitalize the diminishing publishing industry
-An unfortunate yet necessary migration of books into the electronic world
-The illegitimate lovechild of Lucifer and Voldemort. It’s battery is powered by the ashes of torched novels and its inventor should be charged with genocide.

Did you notice the grammar error in the previous question?


-Already used white-out to correct it

Have you ever had an overdue library book?

-I requested an emergency cesarean section so my daughter would not be overdue

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