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“Balloon Boy” Takes Most Exciting Nap of All Time

(Originally published 10/16/09)

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Falcon Heene, the 6-year-old boy feared to have been floating away in a helium balloon Friday, is safe and sound, to the relief of his parents and the millions of Twitter users who made jokes about “The Balloon Boy” before actually discovering his fate.

As if a kid named Falcon could get any stranger, his life took an unusual turn when he found himself at the center of the media spotlight following the chase of an empty helium balloon. An entourage of police, government officials, and media spent nearly 3 hours following the empty balloon, a waste of time that pales in comparison to the estimated 200 million American who followed the story with bated breath from their workplaces. Productivity fell an estimated 24%, causing the Dow Jones to dip below 10,000 for the first time in nearly four hours. And where was Balloon Boy during the entire ordeal? In a box. In his attic. Safe and sound.

“I took nap,” said Falcon.

“Well, he definitely took something, I can tell you that,” said Chuck Mallow, a member of the biological waste disposal team on site.

Sheriff Jim Alderden was very pleased with the efforts to find young Falcon. “I was extremely proud of how our team handled this emergency situation. Using over 1,500 state employees, we efficiently scoured over 200 miles of land for the boy. It was a great example of our capabilities, though, if I had to do it again, I would have started the search in the boy’s house.”

Following the discovery of the boy in his attic, the world began to wonder if the spectacle was part of an elaborate hoax by Falcon’s parents. If the accusations of deception prove to be correct, it would be a surprising twist for a family that typically keeps to themselves. Except for the two times they were on the reality TV show “Wife Swap,” their propensity to build large hovering crafts, and the bizarre YouTube videos they film of their young sons singing rap songs written by the parents, the Heene’s are not known for wanting attention.

When asked if Heene family was considered “weird” around town, a neighbor refuted the claim: “Unusual? Yes. A little eccentric? Of course. Amateur scientists who chase tornados on mopeds? Yeah, I’d call them that too. UFO investigators? They dabble. But would I call them ‘weird’? No, I wouldn’t.”

Weird or not, the Heene’s adventure brought the world together in prayer for the safety of Falcon, a three hour period of unity that has established the family as early favorites to win the next Noble Peace Prize.

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