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The Wallet Purge

(Originally published 1/15/09)

I’ve developed a back problem from sitting on my super thick wallet. Sadly, it’s not fat due to any cash inside, but rather because I haven’t cleaned out any receipts or cards in about 4 years. Today I’m going to sort through my wallet and purge out any unnecessary contents so my back can reset to its natural vertical alignment.

 

 
 

Bank of America Debit Card: A no-brainer with this one. It’s worth as much as my bank account, plus a little more because of my autograph on the back. KEEP.

Driver’s License: Allows me to drink at bars and drive cars (though not in that order). KEEP.

Two “Charlie Cards” for the Boston subway system: One of these cards still has 40 cents credited to it, though I don’t know which. Too risky to throw away either one. KEEP BOTH.

My Old Harvard University Student ID: Because nobody believes me when I tell them. KEEP.

MasterCard: XBOX 360: 400 dollars. Blue-ray player: 300 dollars. Having your parents help bail you out of credit card debt: priceless. KEEP.

Chipotle Rewards Card: Only 14 burritos to go before I get a free small soda! KEEP.

Call-Ahead Seating Card from the 99 Restaurant. Worth having for when I eat there twice a decade. KEEP.

23 receipts: With the time and date on each one, it’s like having 34 alibis. Going to accuse me of a crime I didn’t commit? Well I have proof right here that at 4:06 on July 21st I was at a CVS buying DulcoLax. KEEP ALL.

Blockbuster Membership Card: What if Netflix suddenly goes out of business? KEEP.

Crumpled paper with girl’s phone number: So when my girlfriend reaches in my wallet to take out money, she’ll have a nice little reminder that I have other options. KEEP.

Health Care card: Probably will need to use it when girlfriend finds other girl’s number. KEEP.

Library Card: Books are so last century. THROW AWAY.

My back feels better already!

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