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Movie Review: Sex and the City

(Originally published 11/19/08)

Something has been eating away at my conscience for a few months now. It’s gotten to the point where I can barely look at myself in the mirror, and I’m just not going to be the same until I get it off my chest. So here it goes: I saw the movie Sex and the City. In theater. Voluntarily.

Well, it wasn’t entirely voluntary. I went to see Sex and the City in an effort to pay back a huge debt of goodwill that my girlfriend, Leigh, had been collecting against me for some time. She had been complaining that it wasn’t entirely necessary for us to see the movie 300 on back-to-back nights, and while I don’t agree with this point, I at least understand where she’s coming from. I suppose I embarrassed her pretty badly when I stood up and high-fived a random guy sitting behind me in response to King Leonidas decapitating an enemy with his sword.

My debt to Leigh also grew when I took her to a Patriots game. In my mind, it was the perfect date. It was a playoff game, we had great seats, and I even bought her a couple beers. The drunk guy sitting behind us also chipped in by pouring one on her head. Despite the grand treatment she received, Leigh had decided that I owed her a date of her choice, no matter how insufferable and emasculating it may be. So when Sex and the City was released this summer, I dutifully went with her to go see it. The choice was simple: either see the movie, or get dumped. I swear my decision was made out of love and had nothing to do with the fact that my favorite sweatshirt was at her apartment and I would probably never see it again if we broke up.

I had never seen an episode of Sex and the City, so I was a little confused by what was happening in the movie. From what I gathered, the main character, Carrie, had been dating this guy on and off for several years. Everyone calls him “Big”, a nickname he acquired in a previous season of the show that I’m hoping describes his personality and not another physical attribute. At the beginning of the movie, Big decides to buy an apartment for him and Carrie. Carrie absolutely loves the apartment because it has a closet bigger than my garage that she can use to store her Manilla Bionic shoes, which she loves more than anything in the world, probably even more than Big. Big, being the shrewd businessman that he is, decides to propose to Carrie so she can have partial rights to the apartment if they ever break up.

Carrie and her friends get very excited about the wedding. Carrie even gets a fancy designer wedding dress that, judging from the gasps of all the women in the audience, must have cost at least a couple hundred dollars. The big day roles around and Big, behaving like any normal guy about to marry a chain-smoker with expensive taste, bails out at the last minute. He changes his mind only a few minutes later and decides that he actually does want to marry Carrie, but the damage is done and she smashes a bouquet of flowers over his head, probably in an attempt to decapitate him. I have to admit that I teared up a little at this point, because I had a spilled my popcorn on the floor.

Meanwhile, Carrie’s friend, Miranda, separates with her husband when she finds out that he cheated on her. He insists that his unfaithfulness was primarily caused by a lack of action in the sack, and had nothing to do with the fact that she has a 12-year-old-boy haircut dyed the color of a Halloween pumpkin.

Miranda and Carrie, along with their two other friends, Samantha and the brunette one, decide to vacation at Mexico to sort out their lives. While in Mexico, the girls bond over the hilarity of the brunette getting an intestinal bug that causes her to do things on the toilet that I had previously assumed impossible for a woman to do.

The four women return home largely rejuvenated. Miranda gets back together with her husband after deciding that eating Chinese food alone on New Year’s Eve is even worse than having a cheating husband. Carrie finds out that the apartment that Big bought was being sold, and she sneaks up there and hides in the closet, wondering what might have been. To her surprise, Big also returns to the closet, where they put their differences aside for a brief carnal interlude. They forgive each other, and Big proposes once again to Carrie.

Carrie says yes, causing Leigh to get up and high-five a random woman sitting behind us.

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