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If I Were a Character In Harry Potter…

(Originally published 11/6/08)

(Harry and Hermoine, frazzled and out of breath, run up to Eric)

Hermoine: Ron is in trouble!

Eric: What happened?

Harry: Lord Voldemort is back from the dead and he kidnapped Ron! We have to alert the Order of the Phoenix immediately!

Hermoine: I’ll send my owl with the message. If there’s a strong headwind and he doesn’t stop along the way to mate like last time, then he can get the message to them in 4 to 5 days. I hope it’s not too late!

Eric: I’ve got a better idea.

Harry: What is it? Use a port key? The closest one is 8 kilometers away past the Shrieking Shack, through Forbidden Forest, behind the Alley of Anguish, across the Pits of Pessimism, and then over Molester Mountain! We’ll never get there!

Eric: No…Why don’t we just send the Order a quick email?

Harry and Heroine (together): An email?

Eric: Yeah. You know… like from a computer. Depending on the wireless signal, it should take 4 to 5 seconds. Computers are great, and you don’t even have to clean up after them. Or I guess we could shoot them a text message. Muggles are doing that stuff all the time.

Hermoine (shaking her head): Eric, we are wizards for a reason. Let’s keep things simple and send the owl.

Harry (shouting): OWW! My forehead! My scar is burning!

Eric: Here, have a couple of Advil.

Hermoine: What are those? I didn’t learn about those in Potions class.

Eric: It’s medicine. Don’t worry about it. Harry, just take the pills. (Harry, looking skeptical, swallows the Advil).

Hermoine: Okay, while we wait to hear back from the Order, let’s try to find Ron ourselves. I overheard the Death Eaters mention Pennybrook Cove. We should look there first.

Harry: Where is Pennybrook Cove?

Hermoine: Well that’s the thing. I’m not sure where it is, but there’s an old book in the library that may tell us its location. It’ll take some time for me to find it in the book, considering that it’s 3463 pages long and written in an ancient language that I have yet to learn.

Harry: And we’re going to have to find a way of getting the key to the Forbidden Section of the library! The key is guarded by Snark, the mutant, 3-headed wombat that can infiltrate your thoughts its mind and shoot icicles made of fire out of its eyes!

Eric: I know where Pennybrook Cove is.

Hermoine: What? How?

Eric: I just used Google Maps on my iPhone. It shows me the map and gives us step-by-step instructions on how to get there.

Harry: Wow! That’s amazing! How did you learn how to do that?

Eric: Well it’s not even magic. It’s called technology. You guys should look into it some time. It was all started by this guy named Bill Gates, and he’s not even a wizard.

Hermoine: That you know of…

Harry: Okay, so once we get there we are probably going to have to take on some of these Death Eaters. Eric, when you see one, first use your wand to disarm him. Next, try a spell that will stun him. Once he’s on the ground, then use the killing curse, “Avada Kedavra”. Be careful with this one, though, because if you slip up and say “Avada Kadabra”, then you’ll turn yourself into a parking meter.

Eric: Why don’t we just use guns? I mean, it seems kind of silly trying all of these complex spells. If we get guns, we can kill these guys in one shot. Hell, a single grenade can probably take out the whole lot. Maybe if we actually used guns, Voldemort would stop coming back to life, like he’s been doing for the last 7 years.

Hermoine: Guns? Eric, are you feeling okay? You’re talking crazy.

Eric: Yeah, I guess guns make too much sense.

Harry: We’re wasting time! Let’s go find Ron! I should lead the way, because Voldemort can’t kill me.

Eric: Why is that?

Harry: Because my mum loves me. It makes me invincible, apparently. Even that time I purposely let Voldemort kill me, he couldn’t do it. I let him shoot the killing curse at me from point blank, and it just bounced off me and killed him. It was pretty convenient.

Eric: So if all along you couldn’t be killed by Voldemort, why have I spent the last 10 years of my life obsessively worrying about you, attending midnight Harry Potter book release parties, and wearing Harry Potter pajamas?

Harry: Beats me.

Eric: Whatever. Let’s go save Ron. By the way, how’s your forehead feeling?

Harry (begrudgingly): Better.

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