A Letter from Santa to His Employees
(Originally published 12/19/08)
Dear valued employees,
As you know, many firms have been forced to make cutbacks in an effort to endure this challenging economic time. Like most corporations, The North Pole Inc. has felt the sting of the current recession, and as a result we must make a number of changes in order to survive this period of financial instability. It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the immediate release of 4,000 elves.
We truly appreciate all of the hard work and dedication that you have provided for the company, as some of you that will be leaving us have worked here for over 200 years. Unfortunately, since you elves are half the size of a normal employee, we were forced to layoff twice as many of you in order to reduce costs at the same level of a typical firm. While the lay off is not an ideal situation, rest assured that all released elves will be given a substantial severance package that should provide security for quite some time: in addition to 300 surplus candy canes from last Christmas, each employee will leave us with the knowledge that you brought joy to millions of children across the world.
Elves from the Workshop are not the only employees impacted by our cutbacks, as we must also say goodbye to some of our most beloved senior employees. With global warming taking effect across the world, we’ve identified Jack Frost as an employee whose services are no longer required. Frosty the Snowman has also been relieved of his duties, as we plan to use his nose and eyes to help combat the rising costs of reindeer food and heat, respectively.
In addition to the layoffs, we are initiating a detailed plan to simultaneously increase production while reducing costs. The first step in this process is a company wide commitment to achieving a higher level of efficiency in toy-building. As they say, time is money (this is especially true in our Department of Watch-Making).
Regrettably, some of our cutbacks will affect our millions of patrons world-wide, as they will see a decline in both the quantity and quality of presents this Christmas. We have made a few alterations to toy blueprints that should reduce production costs without a noticeable drop in quality: all dolls will now be assembled with four toes instead of five, and toy cars will have three wheels instead of four. For adults, we will be leaving notes in their stockings that read, “I.O.U ONE BLACKBERRY”. Of course, before we make good on this offer we’ll have to wait until the summer when the fruit is in season.
In order to minimize the amount of presents we must give away this year, I will be tightening the standards of my “Naughty or Nice” list. Effective immediately, the “Naughty” list will be expanded to include all individuals who fast-forward through commercials on their TiVo. In a related matter, we will no longer be placing coal in stockings because of its value as an energy resource. Instead, we will be giving “Naughty” children a gift far more worthless and unwanted: shares of Lehman Brothers.
I would like to thank everyone in advance for adapting to these changes as we try to steer our company sleigh out of this blizzard that is our economy. I ask that everyone also make individual sacrifices to help limit our budget. I vow to do my part by entertaining fewer Ho, Ho, Ho’s (if you know what I mean!).
I assure you that with our continued hard work and dedication, we will persevere. A merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Chief Executive Officer
The North Pole, Inc.