Lions and Tigers and Bears…In Cages!

Everyone told me that I’m too old for the zoo. They said that adults should only make a trip to the zoo under two circumstances: a) if you have kids or b) if you forgot your kids there and had to go back to pick them up. They said, “If I want to pay to see a bunch of beasts stand around chewing and scratching themselves, I’d just go to a Major League Baseball game.” These are the same haters that call me immature when I order extra sprinkles on my twisty cone, or when I start crying after dropping said cone.

The wildlife that frequents my backyard just isn’t exciting to me anymore, even the deformed squirrel with the abnormally short right leg that forces it to only run in circles. I needed some exotic animals in my life and I wasn’t going to let the naysayers deter me, so this past weekend I packed my bag full of smiles and headed to the Southwick Zoo in Mendon, MA.

This zoo has every non-magical animal that you can think of, and the first thing I did was go for an elephant ride. The last time I got a ride on a mammal was when my dad carried me on his shoulders as we walked home from a fireworks show. That was about 4 years ago, so this was a refreshing and fun experience for me. I even got a picture of me on the elephant, though it’s pretty embarrassing when you still manage to look overweight while in the same frame as an elephant.

I was super excited to see the lion, and he didn’t disappoint. He was pretty much exactly like Simba from The Lion King, only he didn’t talk or sing or tell jokes to wild boars and, even though I haven’t seen the movie in awhile, I don’t recall Simba ever sleeping in a pile of his own shit. The parrots were beautiful, and when I greeted one he said “hello” back to me. He was kind of a rude parrot, though, because when I asked for directions to the bathroom he just ignored me.

The zoo also had a petting area where, for a small fee, you are allowed to step in fresh poop. You can also pet some of the baby animals, and it was just so cute watching these newborn goats and lambs experience life for the first time. It’s not often you get to see a creature take its first steps and lose its virginity in the span of five minutes. Toddlers absolutely loved the petting zoo, though one became very upset after his father prevented a goat from giving the kid a hug from behind.

One of the highlights of my trip to the zoo was when the peacock showed off its feathers for me. It was certainly an impressive show, yet I couldn’t help but laugh at it. It just seems so silly that you would put on such a ridiculous display just to attract a mate. I guess that sort of behavior is to be expected from such a tiny brain.

Librarian Application

(Originally published 1/9/10)

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Thank you for interest in the open librarian position at The Stonewell Free Public Library. To ensure you are qualified for the position, we ask that you submit this brief questionnaire in addition to your résumé.

Are you wearing glasses now? (Circle one)

-No

-Yes

-My backup glasses are in the glove compartment of my Subaru, my regular glasses are in my pocket, my reading glasses are around my neck, and my application-filling-out glasses are on my face.

On a scale of 1-10, how angry do you get when people sneeze and then don’t immediately wash their hands?

_______

A “suspicious person” in the library is:

-Any man older than 30 who uses the library computers to visit facebook.com
-Everyone younger than 30
-Everyone

The best way to deal with said “suspicious people” is to:

-Ignore them and hope they leave
-Politely ask them to take their business elsewhere
-Repeatedly reshelve books near them while shooting them disapproving glances

Cellphones:

-Should be turned off in the library
-Are more dangerous than WMDs
-What’s a cell-phone?

The Amazon Kindle is:

-An exciting way to use technology to revitalize the diminishing publishing industry
-An unfortunate yet necessary migration of books into the electronic world
-The illegitimate lovechild of Lucifer and Voldemort. It’s battery is powered by the ashes of torched novels and its inventor should be charged with genocide.

Did you notice the grammar error in the previous question?

-No

-Yes
-Already used white-out to correct it

Have you ever had an overdue library book?

-Yes
-No
-I requested an emergency cesarean section so my daughter would not be overdue

Kesha, Dunkaroos, and Immortality

I Love Music. Walk Away From Love. Love Hurts. These were a few of the songs on the Billboard Top 40 in 1976, when my father was the exact age I am now. Precisely 35 years later, top charting songs include Pink’s emotionally penetrating track, Fuckin’ Perfect, Enrique’s heartwarming love ballad, Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You), and of course Cee-Lo Green’s hauntingly poignant anthem, Fuck You.

So we’ve ushered in a new musical culture, one where F-bombs are the new L-bombs. The songs of my father’s youth generally had a distinct message. They encouraged people to let it be, go your own way, and love the one you’re with. This is a slightly different message than the soundtrack of my young adulthood, which insists that I raise my glass, get retarded, and superman dat ‘ho. Above all, the majority of contemporary pop songs urge –no, demand¬- that I a) go to the club, b) get my hands up, and c) get my booty low. I’m good at two of those three. Read more