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Aug 10

It’s Like, The Most Important Word Ever

The cluster of freckles lightly powdering her cheeks made me hyper-aware of the gaggle of zits spattered across mine. So, subscribing to the theory that Amanda couldn’t see my face if I couldn’t see hers, I spent the majority of our conversation speaking to my shoelaces. Dirty and frayed and Nike, they were as loosely tied as the awkward connection of sentences spilling from my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say to my 12-year-old crush, but actually getting there was a major pain in the ass.

I knew that Amanda liked me; that much I surmised after my super stealth mission on AOL the week before. Employing a trick I had used on girls in the past, I IM’d Amanda using my alternative screen name. She THOUGHT she was talking to Kevin, a mysterious new boy who just moved to town from Idaho, but she was REALLY talking to Eric A. Kester, that sneaky genius! Read more

Aug 10

The iPhone 4 and Me: A Review

(Originally published 7/16/10)

I’ve had an iPhone 3G for a couple years. I had a great run with that phone, but while watching the big iPhone 4 press conference this spring, something strange happened. I looked deep into Steve Jobs’ eyes, blacked out for about 15 minutes, and by the time I came to my senses, I had a confirmation email from Apple congratulating me on preordering the iPhone 4. It was time to move up in my life (for a guy living at home with his parents, such moments are hard to come by) and man, am I glad that I did.

Let’s start with one of the biggest upgrades in this iPhone iteration, one that Apple has really been emphasizing: The iPhone 4 is an entire 3.5 millimeters thinner than the old models. This is a BIG DEAL. Finally, I no longer have to wear cargo pants every time I want to fit my iPhone into my pocket! Sure, it may not sound like a big difference, but I can’t tell you how many times I thought “Man, if only my iPhone 3G were three and a half millimeters thinner, I could fit this gum wrapper into my overstuffed pocket.” Instead the wrapper would just end up on the ground as litter. As you can see, the iPhone 4 will save the planet.

There are also major improvements to the iPhone’s operating system. “Multitasking” is now possible, allowing you to use your nifty apps simultaneously. It’s about time I can use Google maps while texting while driving! And now there’s an easier way to organize all your apps more efficiently: folders. This genius design trick, which Apple cleverly borrowed from every computer ever made from 1987 onward, allows you to arrange your app icons into specifically marked folders. Put your “Pandora Radio,” “Sirius XM,” and “Shazaam” apps into a folder marked “Music.” Toss your “Enormous Boobs,” “Boob Party” and “Boob Party Lite” apps into a folder labeled “Lonely.” It’s great!

Wait, those last two features are available to old iPhones through a simple software update? Shit.

Maybe the best part of the iPhone 4 is the improved display. The screen utilizes a new technology called “Retina Display”, which adds four times the number of pixels, yielding a much sharper image. According to Apple, there are actually more pixels than the human eye can even detect. So if someone’s eyes aren’t refined enough, there’s a chance they won’t even see that you called them an asshole in your last text message.

The enhanced screen is complimented by an upgraded camera system. There is now a flash, which is supposed to be a good thing, but I assure you it is not. Everyone knows the best part of having a camera-phone is taking stealth pictures of awkward people doing embarrassing things, then sending these images to your friends. The old “look like I’m sending a text message when really I’m taking a several pictures of that weirdo” trick. But now with the flash it’s like, “Hey! I’m taking a picture of you, obese man struggling to get on a bicycle!”

In addition to the regular camera, there’s also a new front-facing camera. This camera is used in the new “FaceTime” feauture, where you can do live video chat with someone through your phone. Here’s an example of what you would see if you had the misfortune of FaceTiming with me:

Notice the incredible quality of the HD camera, how it really does a good job exposing every last imperfection on my face. FaceTime is cool, but not as practical as you would think. Holding the iPhone up while you talk gets pretty tough, as your outstretched arm begins to burn in 1 to 3 minutes, depending on how often you do Olympic shoulder circuits. The most comfortable and natural way to use FaceTime is to hold the iPhone down by your lap and talk. Most people do it this way, but I’m not sure it’s the most flattering of angles. You be the judge:

Overall, the iPhone 4 is a tremendous piece of techonology. It even comes in white, for all you contrarians who would love to go against the establishment by getting a different color of a phone that 50 million people already own. So I would recommend the iPhone 4 to literally everyone I know. Sure, there’s that small, minor, totally insignificant problem where you lose reception when you do certain stuff like holding it in your hand, but really, who uses a cell phone to make calls and check emails, anyway?

Aug 10

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Open My Third Eye

(Originally published 6/18/10)

Despite hearing nothing but good things about it, I have always avoided yoga because I assumed it was a purely feminine activity. “Yoga is not emasculating at all,” one female friend told me, before adding, “Oprah highly recommends it!” Despite this endorsement I was still skeptical of the whole thing. I mean, any exercise that is supplemented by scented candles couldn’t be very manly. But noticing that bending over to tie my shoe was slowly becoming an arduous task, I decided to give this trendy exercise routine a try.

I grew very concerned when I showed up to the yoga studio and discovered that everyone in today’s class received a complimentary coupon for Nuva Ring birth control. It also didn’t help that I was the only male in the entire class, at least until a guy named Timothy arrived and said “Good A.M gals!” before unrolling his hot pink yoga mat. Still, I think the women in my class were impressed with my courage. It takes some balls to throw on spandex and contort your body into shapes I would never want my parents to see me in.

The routine started off super easy. We just sat there with our eyes closed in a crossed-legged pose, which is about the most natural position in the world for a guy raised by Nintendo. But then it started to get weird. I was instructed to open my Third Eye, which seemed like an action that would require an advanced understanding of Hindu philosophy, or at least a copious amount of drugs. We then progressed into some supposed “beginner” postures, including the Warrior II, the Plough, the Downward Facing Dog, and several other positions that probably were better suited for a pornographic movie than an exercise room.

I was a little disappointed that I, a former college athlete, had serious difficulty holding poses that the 6-months pregnant woman in my class did with ease. There were some postures that I was able to pull off, specifically the ones that involved drinking from my water bottle, but overall it was a struggle that involved a lot of grunting, a lot of humbling. Like sometimes I would get physically stuck in a posture that almost required the Jaws of Life to release me. Noticing my struggles, our instructor offered a friendly suggestion to the group, “If you’re having trouble with any of these positions, feel free to skip them and go into the ‘Delicate Baby Fetal’ position.” That made me feel better about myself.

When I finally did pull off The Standing Tree pose, our instructor kindly shouted, “Way to go, Eric!”, in a tone of voice like I was some toddler who just pooped in the big-boy toilet for the first time. It was only a minor triumph, but enough to get me through the following three days, in which I was too sore to bend down to tie my shoe.

Aug 10

A Conversation Between a Millionaire and his Butler

(Originally published 5/5/10)


New York (CNN) — A Picasso painting fetched nearly $106.5 million at auction Tuesday, a record for any single work of art, Christie’s New York said.

CHESTER CHESTWICK: What a stupendous piece of art! Giles, what is the current bid for this masterpiece?

GILES: 2.4 million dollars, sir.

CHESTER CHESTWICK: I see. And what is the value of my fortune?

GILES: 106.6 million.

CHESTER CHESTWICK: Okay. So factor in about 75 dollars for shipping, and I think I should bid 106.5 million, just to be safe.

GILES: Sir, forgive my ignorance, but can you expound on the logic behind your bid?

CHESTER CHESTWICK: There are many factors behind my decision, Giles, most of which are probably too complicated for you to understand. Just know that in addition to the external beauty of the piece, there is sentimental value to me. The woman in the painting looks just like my dear mother.

GILES: Your mother looked like that?

CHESTER CHESTWICK: Well not nearly as beautiful as this model, mind you, but they did have similar bone structures, particularly in the forehead.

GILES: The value of the painting is undeniable, but I wonder if such a high bid is necessary.

CHESTER CHESTWICK: I simply must have it. It would look magnificent in the kitchen, just above the toaster.

GILES: That is where you have the poster of the dogs playing poker.

CHESTER CHESTWICK: Good point, Giles. We’ll have to rotate the two pieces on six month intervals.

GILES: Sir, if I may speak candidly, I’m a little concerned about your finances. If you buy this painting you will be left with only 100,000 dollars. The monthly upkeep for your anti-gravity utility vehicle costs 50,000 dollars alone. Are you sure there are sufficient reasons to purchase this painting?

CHESTER CHESTWICK: I can give you two great reasons, Giles.

GILES: And those are?

CHESTER CHESTWICK: Boobs.

GILES: I should have seen that coming.

CHESTER CHESTWICK: Stop being such a worry-wart, Giles. This won’t be the first time I spent a fortune on a naked woman!

GILES: I understand it’s a beautiful piece, sir, but –

CHESTER CHESTWICK: No “buts,” Giles. Just boobs.

Aug 10

A Deep Poem

Writing a deep poem isn’t hard,
despite what your English teachers
want you to think.
The first step is to format
your poem using haphazard

syntax that gives the illusion
of ineffable profundity.
Next, add a couple words that
no longer belongeth in the English language.
Drop in a few parenthetical exclamations
and (lo!) you are off to a splendid start.

Mystifying similes and metaphors
are a must if you
wish to sound esoteric,
like a whimsical firefly floating
through a maze of pensive irony.

Throw in some references to nature,
evoking images of pastel sunsets and
giving unwarranted credit to the
sublime elegance of the speckled frog.
Some random capitalization will
give the reader pause
as she contemplates the abstract meaning of
a Babbling Brook.

Now add a few short lines
to drive home
a message
that always
eludes
me.

If you do these things
your poem will be hailed as
A True Masterpiece
and it will not cross the reader’s mind
that this poem would have been better
if it had rhymed.

Aug 10

Schedule of an Author

(Originally published 3/2/10)

A typical day as I write my book…

7:30 a.m – Wake up

7:35 a.m –Lie in bed, realize I can sleep for five more hours, contemplate doing just that.

7:45 a.m – Remember that poorly written joke on the sixth page of chapter four, realize I won’t be able to fall back asleep until I fix it. Get up.

8:00 a.m – Brush teeth, look at mirror. Consider shaving. Nah.

8:15 a.m – Before getting dressed, check calendar to make sure it’s Casual Monday, Casual Tuesday, Casual Wednesday, Casual Thursday, or Casual Friday.

8:30 a.m – Eat breakfast, drink coffee to store up energy for a long day of sitting.

8: 45 a.m – Decide to work at home today

8: 55 a.m – Listen to mom ask me to take the dogs out for “tinkle-poop.”

8: 56 a.m – Decide to go to work at town library.

9:05 a.m – Arrive at library. Wave to librarian, divert her death-stare.

9:08 a.m – Choose a seat next to a friendly-looking old man.

10:15 a.m – Move seats after noticing friendly old man is looking at pictures of girls on Facebook.

10:20 a.m – Check the hit-counter on my blog. Curse audibly.

10:21 a.m – Refresh my blog 75 times.

10:30 a.m – Work on book.

11:30 a.m – Write funny joke. Be pleased with it.

11:31 a.m – Reread funny joke. Hate it. Delete it.

11:35 a.m – Change mind, put joke back in. Question sanity.

12: 20 p.m – Lunch break. Eat PB&J all by myself. Wonder if this is how it all started for creepy old man browsing Facebook.

1:00 p.m – Back to work! Going to be more productive this afternoon.

1:45 p.m – Goddam writer’s block

1:46 p.m – Check Facebook.

2:00 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:12 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:20 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

2:47 p.m – Refresh Facebook.

3:12 p.m – Be struck by inspiration. Get ready to write.

3:13 p.m – Forget inspiration.

3: 35 p.m – Try to write some more. Occasionally look up at other authors in the room and share expressions of mutual exasperation.

5:23 p.m – Go home.

5:45 p.m – Remember inspiration, open up laptop to write it down.

5:46 p.m – Battery dead. Screw it. I’ll probably remember it tomorrow morning.

5: 47 p.m – Turn on T.V.

Aug 10

An Interview with Olympic Ski Jumper, Simon Amman

(Originally published 2/23/10)

REPORTER: Wow! What an event we just witnessed, and I’m here now with gold medal winner Simon Ammann. A quick recap for those unfortunate souls who just missed Adam’s remarkable display of athletic prowess: First, Adam was holding onto a bar. Then he let go of the bar and bent his knees slightly as he went down the sloping hill. Then he went into the air, and, in one of the more memorable moments in ski jumping history, he landed a little further than his opponent. What a play! How do you feel, Simon?

SIMON: Just a wonderful feeling right now. I have so many people to thank: my family, my coach, and of course, gravity -couldn’t of done it without you!

REPORTER: Simon, can you take us through what you were thinking during the jump?

SIMON: Well, at first when I was flying through the air, I was unsure whether I would land further than my opponent. But then I did. It was great!

REPORTER: It sure was! I noticed that when you were in the air you really held that pose still. You must’ve been great at freeze tag in elementary school.

SIMON: That’s actually how I got started in long jumping. One day at recess a scout saw how great I was at freeze tag. Then he took me to the ski mountain and saw my skill at slightly bending my knees and skiing in a straight line. A few practice runs, and here I am!

REPORTER: Simon, sometimes I don’t think viewers at home realize just how difficult this sport is. Can you explain how hard it is to hold one position for five seconds?

SIMON: Oh, it’s quite difficult. It takes an enormous amount of concentration. Like sometimes I’m in the air, and my brain is like “Do a spread eagle!” but then I’m like, “No, don’t do that.” So I don’t. The mental game is just as challenging as the physical one.

REPORTER: Truly unbelievable. Thanks for your time, Simon. Now we can add your name alongside of Wayne Gretzky and Eric Heiden in the pantheon of Olympic medalists!

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