My Speech When I Ran for 4th Grade Class President
(Originally published 10/17/08)
My fellow 4th Grade-icans, (pause for laughs)
I am not running for class president because I have a bigger baseball card collection than the other candidates, which I do, but because I am a patriot and I love my class in a totally non-cootie related way.
Our class is in the middle of a period of major suckage. We are having a financial crisis, and with the Pog market crashing we must take action to save our economy. No one expected Pogs to lose popularity so quickly, so many of us were unprepared when our thousands of Pogs became worthless. It’s a good thing that I have a bailout plan. Basically, I’ll buy up all those Pogs that no one else will buy. This will help you get some return on your investment, and I’ll have the patience to hold onto those Pogs for awhile until they regain their value. I am confident this plan will work because I know that something as sweet-awesome as Pogs will probably be wicked popular and valuable again in like 5 years when we are in high school.
Adding to our financial crisis is the fact that vending machine prices around school have been skyrocketing. Most of us can barely afford one of our most essential resources: Skittles. I have a plan to get us off foreign vending food in 10 semesters. I’m still not totally sure what that plan is, but I’ll probably need everyone to give me their allowance to make it happen. (Pull out Skittles from pockets, throw them into the cheering crowd).
There is another big issue that I feel strongly about. I am talking about a girl’s right to choose. You heard me: girls should be allowed to wear jeans if they want to. If elected, I will work with Mrs. Buttman – I mean, Mrs. Bettman – (wait for everyone to finish rolling on the floor laughing) – to get rid of our stupid dress code.
As I said before, I love our class. My commitment to our class was demonstrated, as you all know, in the epic Playground Battle of ’93 where I led the charge that reclaimed the territory between the see-saw and the tire swing from the evil 5th graders. (Pull up sleeves and flex muscles. Wait for gasps, then standing ovation.) I may have come out of that battle with a nasty scrape on my shin, but that was nothing compared to the wrath of my mom when she saw the grass stains on my pants! (Pause for laughs).
So when it’s time to vote, think about all the things I have done for our class, and all that I will do. Also think about how my opponent, Stan, throws like a girl. Keep in mind that I really understand your pain in these tough times because I am just like everyone else. I take the bus to school in the morning. I cry at night when I have to put on my headgear. My father is Joe the Plumber. So remember, you want a mature president who will represent you, and not a guy like Stan, who talks like this: (Make farting noise)
Thank you, and God Bless 4th Grade-ica! (Throw more Skittles into the audience).